Crazy Cat Lady

I checked my e-mail and had a response from Sean:

I’ll be there on Wednesday but I’ll only be able to stay for a few hours.

-Sean

With that news I decided to get cracking on the list of questions I want answered. Not only did Dr. Sheehan say that the list will help me get the closure I need if I decide to then end the relationship, but she said it will help me keep my emotions in check, which was something I brought up to her. I feel like every time Sean and I go through a fight or an argument (which, thinking about our relationship as a whole, seems like a pretty frequent thing) I always get emotional and sometimes lose my ground because of it. Dr. Sheehan also suggested that we see a couple’s counselor if I choose to continue the relationship. I agree and I’ve asked her for a recommendation. I’ve decided that the couple’s counselor is going to be something I need Sean to agree to. I know it’ll put a large burden on him what with the tour and him being gone, but I don’t see how we can repair what’s been broken or rebuild without the help of a professional.

So right now my demands are:

· Tthat we see a counselor every two weeks (personally I would like it to be every week, but I know Sean will not be able to do that)

· Tthat he answer all of my questions and tell me everything

· Tthe engagement is completely off

So…it’s not a very long list of demands, my list of questions is a lot longer and continuing to grow with each day. If I’m being honest, I think I’m being really generous by listening to what Sean has to say for himself and I also feel really stupid for even entertaining the idea that I not dump him immediately for what he did.

I don’t need a boyfriend, guys, not when I have one man who will never leave me. Murphy has been so great to me through this. I think pets can sense when we’re sad and Murphy has always been really intuitive and protective of me (I mean, he DID attack Gerry when Gerry threatened me in my kitchen). I should just adopt 8 more cats and become a crazy cat lady who is destined to be alone.

New Hires and New Lows

I haven’t had any contact with Sean except for an e-mail I sent to him a few days after my disastrous trip explaining that I was hurt, disappointed, and needed some time to myself to think about whether or not I still wanted to be in a relationship with him. He sent a reply saying that he understood and that he was sorry for hurting me in this way. Anna and Molly have both been told by Zoey about what happened (with my permission) and I think she told them not to bring it up, except to say that they are sorry this happened and that they love and support me.

I got back to work a few days ago but none of my work friends know about what’s happened. I think they know something happened because I’m not wearing my engagement ring, but none of them have been bold enough to ask about it which I’m grateful for. I’ve been distracting myself with work because trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do is too hard. The two people I hired before my unfortunate vacation start this week.

The first person is Tanya. She is a web developer from Silicon Valley and I think she’s perfect for the job. She’s a dirty blonde and dresses in such a way that it makes her look like a lawyer. You wouldn’t think she sat in an office all day and worked on websites. She’s firm but I think she’ll fit in nicely. The second hire I made was Todd. He’s a web designer fluent in all the basic coding to build a website. He’s a recent college grad and was grateful to just get a job. He’s enthusiastic but could probably take a few tips from Tanya on how to dress. He came to work wearing a red Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and black combat boots. We don’t really have a strict dress code at the office and Todd was cheap and good at what he does so I wasn’t bothered by his odd taste in clothes.

When they arrived at the office this morning I showed them to the conference room on my end of the floor; it’s basically their work area as we don’t have the space to give them their own cubicles or offices. We sat down and I went through a list of what they’d need to get started equipment-wise and once I handed it to Steve to take care of I gave them a tour of the floor and introduced them to the staff. I think they’ll do really well here. I left them in the conference room with a guideline laying out what we wanted for the website so they could brainstorm on ideas until the equipment Steve was organizing arrived.

After I left them there I went to my office and allowed myself to become distracted with thoughts of Sean and our current situation. My sessions with Dr. Sheehan since Sean told me about his infidelity have been extremely difficult for me but what I’ve realized from them is that I won’t know if I want to be with Sean until I know everything that happened. The problem is that Sean can’t just leave the tour to work on our relationship. I sighed and sent him an e-mail.

Sean,

We need to talk about what happened. I have questions I need to have answered before I can decide what I want to do but I refuse to discuss this with you unless you’re here in person. I’m not going to do this over the phone or via e-mail; I think our relationship is worth more than that.

-Faith

Dr. Sheehan suggested I make a list of all the questions I want answers for so that when he and I do talk about this I’ll be able to get ALL of them answered. It’ll be interesting to see if Sean will be able to come back to do this or if he’s going to wait until his scheduled stop in July. I’ve already decided that if he does choose to wait until the scheduled time in July I’m going to end it. Obviously if he’s comfortable waiting that long our relationship isn’t a priority to him anymore and I’m going to let it go.

My Rock

“Faith? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be with Sean until tomorrow.” Zoey had woken me up. I’d fallen asleep on my couch when I got back from the airport at three in the morning.

She’d come to feed Murphy when she found me on the couch.

“Are you okay?” She asked taking in my puffy eyes, tangled hair, smeared make-up, and weary appearance.

I sat up with a lot of effort and looked at my hands.

“Um…” my voice wavered and then the tears started.

“What happened?” Zoey said sitting next to me and laying my head in her lap while I sobbed for what felt like hours.

“I’m going to call Anna.” She said whipping out her phone.

“NO!” I screamed and sat up. “Please, Zoey, I just…I’m so embarrassed, please. I just want you.”

I wrapped my arms around her and then laid my head back down in her lap when she nodded and put her phone down.

“Okay.” She said trying to calm me down, “Just give me a second, okay? I’ve got to make a phone call. NOT to Anna.” She said as my eyes got wide and I started to freak out again. She went into the kitchen and called in sick to work and came back with a glass of water for me. She handed it to me before sitting back down again.

“Faith, tell me what happened.”

So I did.

I told her about Sean crying and his admission. I told her how I had let go of him like his skin had burned me and sat there in stunned silence for about a minute before throwing myself out of bed and gathering my clothes while he tried to explain to me. I don’t remember much of what was said but I wouldn’t let him explain it to me. I told her about how I gathered up all of my stuff and got dressed as he watched and cried and about how I got to the door, turned back around, took my ring off, and dropped it on the dresser the television was sitting on before leaving. He was in shadow but he put his head in his hands and that’s the last image of him I had in my head of the whole thing. I told her about how I got to the lobby as a crying mess and dug through my purse to find the taxi card Tracy had given me earlier. I told her about waiting for the cab and demanding to be taken to the airport and catching the last flight out within minutes.

I told her about landing and just standing in the virtually empty concourse with my suitcase (it was too late to check it for baggage claim) and feeling empty and not wanting to call anyone to come and get me at 2:30 in the morning. A nice man from the airline asked me if he could call me a cab and I nodded. I told her about how I cried the entire time from the airport to my apartment and finally got home, collapsed on the couch, and cried until I fell asleep. And Zoey just listened to me and stroked my hair. She didn’t ask any questions or make any sounds; she just listened until I had nothing left to say. We sat there in silence while Zoey comforted me and I just cried.

“Are you hungry?” She asked me.

“I don’t really know. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or if I feel so violated that I want to vomit.”

“I could order something if you are.”

“I feel humiliated, Zoey. This WHOLE time I’ve been worried about him and allowed him to accuse me of horrible things because I felt bad that he was having such a hard time. I can’t believe he did this to me.”

“Do you know who it was?”

“I didn’t ask any questions or hear a word he said. I have no idea when it happened or with who. I don’t think I want to know. I don’t even know if it was a one night stand or if he’s still seeing her.”

“What are you going to do?” She asked.

“I don’t know. I need time to think about this.”

Zoey didn’t say anything but I had a feeling she wanted to.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. I just…nothing.” She shook her head.

“Spill it.” I said.

“Well, is there really a lot to think about? He cheated on you and for the past few months he’s been treating you horribly. As soon as Kevin had revealed himself, you ended it. Why is Sean any different?”

Zoey’s words stung and it was hard for me not to get really mad at her.

“Zoey, we were engaged. I’ve been with him for over a year. Kevin lied throughout our whole relationship about being engaged to someone else. I never trusted him and…and I still love Sean. I was planning on marrying him. I think I should at least hear him out when I’m ready to.”

“Okay,” she said sensing my anger and choosing against this battle, “So should I order a pizza?”

It was then that I realized I’d talked for so long that the sun was nearly setting. Zoey was probably starving and I figured I should probably eat something so Zoey ordered a pizza and went to go get it and pick up some ice cream and beers while I took a hot shower and pulled myself together. I hadn’t looked at my phone for nearly 24 hours and I didn’t want to so when Zoey came back with the pizza and beers I gave my phone to her and asked her to take care of it. When she came out of my bedroom she recapped it for me.

“20 missed calls, 7 voicemails, and 6 texts. I listened to the voicemails and then deleted them. I deleted the texts, too. I turned it off.”

“Thank you.” I said with exhaustion before we dug into the pizza.

I don’t know what I’d do without Zoey, sometimes.

(Author's note: I apologize for how late I'm posting this. I started a very intense summer class today and I forgot to post last night after I got all of my class supplies ready and I didn't have access to a computer until now. Again, so sorry! -del)

Departure

I woke up early the day of my flight bursting with excitement. I packed my suitcase and brought it with me to work because I was going straight to the airport afterward. I got to the airport fairly quickly, checked-in, and then waited. My flight was about 4 hours and it was okay; we only had a little bit of turbulence. When I got to the airport I saw a guy standing near the baggage claim area with my name on a piece of paper. Karen had sent a limo to pick me up and a wonderful girl named Tracy.

Tracy is a production assistant for the lighting chief on the tour. The band was in rehearsal and the light crew had wrapped for the day (there wasn’t a concert later that night, but the next night) so Karen had sent Tracy to escort me from the airport to the buses and to keep me company until Sean got back. Tracy is cool. Her arms have colorful tattoos on them but she wears nerdy glasses and has raven-black hair with a streak of red in it. I liked her almost immediately. When we got in the limo she gave me the rundown of the band’s schedule.

“So the guys probably won’t be back until ten. He has no idea you’re here. Do you want me to ask the driver to stop and get you some food; you’re going to be waiting on the bus for awhile.”

“Sure.” I said, “Anything is fine.”

The driver parked at a fast food place and we both got out.

“I’m sorry,” I said embarrassedly, “I’m sure you have more important things to do than come and get me, but I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t worry about it. I volunteered to come.”

“What? Why?” I giggled as I stood in line to order.

“Because the way Sean talks about you, I knew I just HAD to meet you and this was the only way to guarantee that I would!”

We got our food and ate it in the limo. Tracy has a great sense of humor and she told me a little but about the tour and what she does. It was clear by the way she talked about it that she really loves her job. I wish I loved my job as much as Tracy does.

“So once you surprise Sean, we’re going to send you to your hotel in the limo. Tomorrow you guys will be able to go and do whatever you want with the limo as long as Sean is back at the concert venue by 6:00 for the sound check. We’ll probably set you up in the bus and then let you watch the concert from backstage and after that you can hit the after party, meet some fans, or just go back to the hotel. The next morning the limo will drop Sean off at the buses and then take you to the airport. Does that sound like a plan?” She asked.

“It sounds awesome. I’m really excited to see Sean perform for such a big crowd. I’ve never seen him in a concert this big before and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to see him perform at all, so it’s really awesome that you guys are letting me watch backstage.”

“Oh, I forgot,” she said handing me a card, “This has a phone number for a cab company. The limo won’t be available after two and before 7:30 AM so this is the number of a cab company that runs 24 hours.”

“Thanks.”

“So…I want to see the ring!” She said.

“Oh,” I blushed and stuck my hand out for her to look.

“Sean has nice taste.” She said looking impressed, “Have you started planning at all?”

“Not really. I’ve looked at a few magazines but we haven’t set a date yet and don’t plan to for awhile.”

We talked like this for the next 30 minutes until we arrived at the bus location. I left my luggage in the limo since we would be taking it to the hotel but I grabbed my purse and Sean’s new laptop before following Tracy to Sean’s bus. I put the new laptop on his bunk and then tried to find a place to hide. Tracy suggested I just sit with the new laptop in his bunk and then we worked out a plan. Tracy would tell Sean that I mailed him his laptop and it was laying on his bunk and then I’d surprise him when he pulled back the curtains. It was a simple plan but a fun one. I had an hour to kill until Sean and the rest were expected back so Tracy and I watched television in the back of the bus.

When we heard car doors slam outside the bus, it was show time. I crawled into Sean’s bunk and laid on my side with his laptop in front of me. I heard voices getting louder and Tracy made sure the curtain was completely closed before they walked through the door. I recognized the voices after a few words. Sean was with Jake and Eddie.

“Hey, Sean, your fiancée sent your new computer to you. I put it on your bunk.” Tracy said.

“Aw, sweet. Thanks Trace.”

“Good now you don’t have to use mine.” Jake teased.

I heard Sean’s footsteps getting closer and held my breath. He pulled back the curtain and I smiled at him.

“What are you doing here?! Oh my God!” He cried. He practically jumped on top of me and started kissing me. Jake and Eddie came over to see what the commotion was.

“Faith?” Jake said.

We all had a happy reunion and I told Sean how Karen helped me arrange it all and that I had booked us a hotel. He was so excited. He started packing and was ready to go in five minutes. We said our good byes to everyone and then walked over to the limo before heading to the hotel. Things got hot and heavy almost as soon as the limo door closed. Sean was all over me and he looked so hot. His dark hair was tousled and sexy and he couldn’t stop smiling. It was almost like the incident at my job had never happened. We barely checked-in and made it to our room before Sean had my clothes off.

What followed was some really hot sex; quick and dirty, followed by some cuddling. The cuddling turned into the most connected and intimate sex I’ve ever had with another person. There was all sorts of eye contact and whispered I love yous. It was the kind of sex you only want to have with someone you love where there’s no insecurity and you don’t want to be anywhere else but with that person in that moment. When we were done, Sean started crying. I’d never had that happen before and I assumed he had been just as affected by the sex we had just had because even I got teary-eyed during it. He sat on the side of the bed and cried and I put my arms around him from behind.

“It was really special for me, too. I love you so much and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

Sean let out a sob that racked his whole body. I rubbed his shoulders and back and I kissed his shoulder before giving him another hug.

“Sean it’s okay.” I whispered into his hair.

“No, Faith, it’s not.”

My hands went limp on his back and concern came over me.

“What do you mean?” I asked pulling away from him and looking at the back of his head. He turned to look at me with immense pain on his face.

“Faith…I slept with someone else.”

Preparations

Zoey came over for dinner and a rented movie the other night. I updated her on the situation with Sean and told her that I’m planning on surprising him on the road. She told me all about her vacation, showed me pictures, and pretty much beamed the entire time while she told me about it. She’s going to watch Murphy for me while I’m out of town so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that while I’m away.

“So, Sean was able to get his therapist to do conference calls, huh?”

“Yeah. The change is like night and day. Sean does better in therapy.”

“And how are you doing in therapy?” Zoey asked.

“I’m making progress. I think my sessions with Dr. Sheehan have really helped me heal and gain perspective with the whole Kevin situation and I feel like I’m starting to really move on from it. I think therapy has helped me become a better communicator and a more understanding person.” I said thoughtfully.

“That’s great, Faith.” Zoey gave me a hug, “So Sean has no idea you’re going to visit him?”

“None whatsoever. I’m really excited. I think he’ll appreciate it to. I think it’ll show that I’m committed to make this work just as much as he is and that I’ll do what it takes to get through this tour.”

“What if there are more tours afterward?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you and Sean seem to be focusing only on this tour but you’ve said yourself that the band is gaining more recognition and the producers are putting a lot of money into the tour. This is going to be the first one but it won’t be the last if they start to take off.”

“We’re just going to focus on one thing at a time. I think if we get ahead of ourselves it’ll make things confusing.”

“Okay.” Zoey shrugged, “Do you need a ride to the airport?”

“That would be lovely.” I said grabbing a Chinese food container and settling onto the couch.

I’m SO excited for this trip to see Sean. I think he’s going to flip, he has no idea I’m coming or that I’ve made a hotel reservation for us so that he doesn’t have to spend the night on the tour bus. I really need this little vacation, too!

The Countdown Begins!

Sean is going to have conference calls with Dr. Deerhorn three times a week. He started them a few days ago and he is SO much happier. It’s honestly like night and day, guys. I think his tour mates are also a little thankful, too. I know I would be if I were in their shoes. I’ve been super busy, lately. I had to take Murphy to the vet for his annual check-up amidst one of my busiest weeks at work. I’ve finished all of my “just in case” severance packages for all our employees and our very first employee reviews were due this week. We asked all the writers to turn in evaluations of their peers and Veronica’s assistants were required to turn in their overall performance evaluations of everyone since Veronica is waaaay too busy to do them herself (she doesn’t work as closely with the staff anyway so it’s not that big of a deal).

Veronica was able to get the investors on board with the digital reboot of the paper but they are too skeptical to want it to expand to the station so the paper is going to be the guinea pig and if it does well, they’ll consider boosting the digital reboot to the station, as well. We were given extra funds to hire two web developers/designers to get it started so amongst employee evaluations, severance package overviews, and a trip to the vet, I’ve been conducting interviews. I think I’ve found the two I want to hire but I have three more people coming in soon and one of them seems very promising. Steve is the only person besides Veronica who knows that we’re doing a digital launch of the paper but he doesn’t know the reason why, which I think is a good thing considering that he has the tendency to gossip and a mass firing of everyone would definitely spread like wild fire.

Zoey and Wesley went to Hawaii for a vacation. They get back tomorrow and Zoey has been sending me pictures of all the things they’ve been doing. They went scuba diving and surfing their first day there and then lazed about the second day. The third day they went hiking up to a volcano and took some seriously stunning photos of the view from the top. I don’t know what they’ve done today but I kind of miss her. I’m glad that she’s having such a fun vacation but I really do miss her. Meanwhile, Molly has gone on several dates with Calvin and I think they’re going to be exclusive soon. They haven’t had the talk, yet, but Molly seems hopeful. She also recently went on a slew of auditions and landed a great part in a small show. I can’t wait to be there opening night with flowers. I’m so happy for her.

Anna is doing well with the twins. She occasionally sends me updates on them and how much they are growing. I sent her a birthday card for her 25^th birthday with a gift certificate in it to her favorite restaurant and a silly little coupon for a free round of babysitting from me so she can actually use said gift certificate since the restaurant is pretty nice and not baby or kid-friendly.

I’m counting down until I can surprise Sean, especially since he’s been so much happier. I’m glad I didn’t cancel my trip because after this busy, busy week, I’m going to want that mini-vacation more than anything!

Faith the Consultant

Sean and I have been doing really well. Dr. Deerhorn was open to having scheduled conference calls with Sean and Sean was able to work out a way to have privacy during those calls so everyone on the tour doesn’t get to listen in on his therapy sessions. I had my meeting with Veronica and it went in a direction I didn’t expect. Rose took me to her office when Veronica was ready and I took my seat in front of her.

“I have to say, Faith, I’m surprised at your lack of professionalism.” Her voice was grave.

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. As the HR rep for our writing staff, I have a responsibility to our employees and you’d been cancelling and putting off meeting with Stormy for months. Veronica, I know you know how much stress he’s been under.”

“Yes, well, thanks to you, I have a feeling Stormy as well as the rest of us will be under much, much more stress in the coming months as you have pretty much put the nail in the coffin of the paper and the station. We’re all going to be out of a job, Faith, and you helped to make that happen.”

“What?” I asked. My mouth had gone dry and my palms were sweaty.

“The paper and the station have been bleeding money. The paper has been in the red since we started and it hasn’t gotten any better. Our investors are frustrated and unless I can fix this in the next 6 months, we’ll all be unemployed.”

“What does that have to do with Stormy?” I asked not understanding the connection to my role in this.

“Stormy was the only thing bringing in viewership and readership to the station. He has a following that covers all the important demographics for viewership and readership and was the only thing bringing in more subscribers and viewers. He was the only thing that brought some hope to this dismal situation the paper and station are in and now that he’s not going to be on the station anymore, we might as well close both factions because print is dying a very fast death.”

“Have you given surveys to the readers and viewers to see what they want?” I asked.

Veronica looked off guard at my question.

“Yes, why?”

“May I see the conclusions?”

Veronica handed me a few stacks of paper and I quickly flipped through them. Veronica wasn’t lying, the numbers of viewers/readers projected for this month were the lowest they’d been since we started and the advertisers were starting to pull out. I don’t envy Veronica’s job, that’s for sure, but I saw something hopeful that she might have overlooked.

“Our 18-30 demographic used to be really strong but they started dropping off a few months ago.”

“And?” Veronica was getting impatient.

“Why don’t we do an electronic newspaper app for phones or a website for subscribers? We wouldn’t have to pay for printing costs anymore if we went completely digital and we might be able to regain a majority of the 18-30 demographic we’ve lost if we spend the time to make the paper more digitally connected. People are addicted to their computers and smartphones and being able to have 24/7 news from our paper may be the thing to increase the numbers. You could even incorporate it into the news broadcast from the station. Stormy could be the anchor that introduces it since he has the most clout with viewers and he could even highlight stories from it during the broadcast. It would ease his workload and he might be able to do more with either the paper or the station.”

Veronica blinked at me. She was speechless. I continued on.

“We have enough budget set aside for two summer interns, but what if we used that money to hire two web designers to set this up for us instead? They could maintain it and update it and attract advertisers with a good design. If we get enough advertisers the money from that should pay for their salaries within months.”

I handed the papers back to her and waited for her response.

“I’d have to talk with the investors…” I could see the gears turning in Veronica’s head and I saw hope in her eyes after a few moments, “You know, Faith, you should really be working in a consulting firm.”

I thanked her and then she dismissed me, so I guess I’m not in too much trouble with her; I’m definitely not fired, that’s for sure. Veronica is going to see if we can work this out budget-wise and then present it to the investors. It’s a last ditch effort to save the paper and the station. Before I left, Veronica told me that this was a confidential meeting and that the employees are not to find out about the struggles behind the scenes until absolutely necessary. I’m not going to tell anyone but I am going to start trying to put together severance packages for everyone so if we all really do end up out of a job, at least I won’t have to do that amidst the panic of everyone coming to me wondering if they’re going to be taken care of. I’m going to try and get a severance package together for every single employee. Just in case it’s needed.